Assalamualaikum,
Well, I don't know what to write and how to write it. The only thing that I know is that, there is a lot in my mind. Sometimes I just realize that I have been thinking several things at a time. It's undeniably stressful.
Yesterday was a shocked for me. Something just happen out from its usual order. It happened that yesterday was a birthday of someone important to the person I love. Unexpectedly, he forgot about it thus leading to a late birthday wish.
That incident has caused us to pay so much for the mistake. He had been ignored the whole day yesterday making him decide on a conclusion of punishing himself. However, it affects me. He decided not to contact anyone, which means no one including me, until he is not being ignored anymore.
I know.
I understand that it is rational for someone to act like that. But at the same time also, I was thinking that he abandoned me. Why must he leave at the time that is critical just for the fact that he is punishing himself. There are lots more ways for him to punish himself. Why must the punishment involve me???
Questioning myself like a fool while I exactly know the answer.
The reality.
The fact.
I know I have been the one influencing him towards many other things that he is not supposed to. I admit that it is my fault that causes him to be careless enough to forget what he should remember.
But still, I am just speechless.
I ended up deciding the most painful choice. I asked for a break up. He tried to stop me, I acknowledge that. But I also notice that he is actually undecided.
To me, he seems like he still does not know what he really feels.
Tonight, I went online at Facebook. I wonder since when did I became a really scary person. Loving him by stalking him and also others who are related to him. It is a really scary way to love someone. I wish to stop so I become unfriend with his siblings.
In the end, I am the one feeling miserable.
Worrying. Questioning. Thinking. Rationalizing. It is really a lot of work.
Honestly, the only thing that I feel is that we are not fated to be together. His family just will not accept me forever.
I hate him because he says that he loves me but he keep making me wait for him like a fool. Like it is a one-sided love. He always makes me the one to give in. He always makes me the one that should be hurt.
I just wish that I had enough strength and courage to leave him. To break up with him. its not that I want it because I hate him. But in fact, I want it because I love him so much that it makes everything to be more hurtful than it is supposed to be.
He left me once, after making promises that he will never leave me.
Now he came back, making the same promises, and it just feels like he is leaving, twice.
Finally, it really feels that he was never back and he will never come back. Because what he will keep doing is, leaving me all alone.
I know he is strong enough. Strong enough to turn his love into hate, like what he did before.
Its just become more hurtful when the same pain shots you twice at the heart. The broken heart that is taking its time slowly to heal, which the probability is nearly impossible, is being broken again, by the words left unsaid.