150. Fairy tales never become Reality

Assalamualaikum,

Well, I don't know what to write and how to write it. The only thing that I know is that, there is a lot in my mind. Sometimes I just realize that I have been thinking several things at a time. It's undeniably stressful.

Yesterday was a shocked for me. Something just happen out from its usual order. It happened that yesterday was a birthday of someone important to the person I love. Unexpectedly, he forgot about it thus leading to a late birthday wish. 

That incident has caused us to pay so much for the mistake. He had been ignored the whole day yesterday making him decide on a conclusion of punishing himself. However, it affects me. He decided not to contact anyone, which means no one including me, until he is not being ignored anymore.

I know.

I understand that it is rational for someone to act like that. But at the same time also, I was thinking that he abandoned me. Why must he leave at the time that is critical just for the fact that he is punishing himself. There are lots more ways for him to punish himself. Why must the punishment involve me???

Questioning myself like a fool while I exactly know the answer.

The reality.

The fact.

I know I have been the one influencing him towards many other things that he is not supposed to. I admit that it is my fault that causes him to be careless enough to forget what he should remember.

But still, I am just speechless.

I ended up deciding the most painful choice. I asked for a break up. He tried to stop me, I acknowledge that. But I also notice that he is actually undecided. 

To me, he seems like he still does not know what he really feels.

Tonight, I went online at Facebook. I wonder since when did I became a really scary person. Loving him by stalking him and also others who are related to him. It is a really scary way to love someone. I wish to stop so I become unfriend with his siblings. 

In the end, I am the one feeling miserable. 

Worrying. Questioning. Thinking. Rationalizing. It is really a lot of work. 

Honestly, the only thing that I feel is that we are not fated to be together. His family just will not accept me forever. 

I hate him because he says that he loves me but he keep making me wait for him like a fool. Like it is a one-sided love. He always makes me the one to give in. He always makes me the one that should be hurt. 

I just wish that I had enough strength and courage to leave him. To break up with him. its not that I want it because I hate him. But in fact, I want it because I love him so much that it makes everything to be more hurtful than it is supposed to be. 

He left me once, after making promises that he will never leave me.

Now he came back, making the same promises, and it just feels like he is leaving, twice.

Finally, it really feels that he was never back and he will never come back. Because what he will keep doing is, leaving me all alone.

I know he is strong enough. Strong enough to turn his love into hate, like what he did before. 

Its just become more hurtful when the same pain shots you twice at the heart. The broken heart that is taking its time slowly to heal, which the probability is nearly impossible, is being broken again, by the words left unsaid.

140. Pengajaran Cinta

Assalamualaikum...

Adatlah kan dalam hubungan gaduh-gaduk sikit...gigi pun kadang-kadang tergigit lidah walaupun dah bertahun-tahun hidup sama-sama, buat kerja sama-sama...

tapi apa yang oenting adalah apa yang kita dapat ambil daripada setiap pergaduhan tu...sama juga dengan kes cinta...

ada sesetengah orang kata gaduh tu tanda mesra...tapi kalau dah melampau sangat, pasti ada yang tak kena...jadi, refleks diri sendiri dan cari punca...

baru-baru ni, abang saya ada konflik dalam hubungan dia...tapi dia positif, dapatlah sedar pengajaran yang boleh diambil...

contohnya:

"...dalam hubungan kena ada toleransi, kena trima kekurangan, eksploit kekurangan untuk jadi ssesuatu yang membuatkan kita terkait dengan si dia..."

"...when we get hold to one person, we completely feel lost when we lose him or her...so, just be loyal but at the same time give space for others too..."

biasalah, orang gaduh, lahir pun bukan dari rahim yang sama, hidup pun bukan dari kecil sama-sama...alangkan adik beradik sama rahim pun bertikam lidah jugak...

tak dinafikan, saya pun gaduh juga dalam hubungan...tapi Alhamdulillah saya dapat seorang yang sangat memahami dan bersabar dengan kerenah saya yang baran ni...tapi mungkin juga sebab saya dah bagi amaran pada dia tentang apa yang saya mungkin buat...hehe

tapi sepanjang saya gaduh dengan dia, saya pun belajar banyak benda...dia banyak sedarkan saya apa yang kita tidak sedar...

contohnya:

1. saya selalu cakap kalau tak sesuai buat apa bersama...kena lah berpisah sebelum terlambat, sebelum hubungan menjadi rasmi...untuk hubungan berjalan lancar, perlu cari seseorang yang sangat memahami satu sama lain...sebelum melangkah lebih dekat pada ikatan, perlu pastikan pasangan sangat memahami satu sama lain...

tapi dia cakap, orang yang kahwin atas pilihan keluarga macam mana? diorang faham ke satu sama lain sebelum kahwin? tak pun kan...tapi still dapat hidup bahagia sampai dapat zuriat...sebab yang penting adalah macam mana kita nak cuba fahami si dia...hehe, baru lah saya tersedar...lagipun, kita yang pilih jalan yang akan kita ambil...

2. kalau kami berselisih faham, saya suka cakap pada dia, gaduh waktu tu jugak...biarlah macam mana teruk pun masing-masing melepaskan geram, tapi kalau perhatikan betul-betul, bila gaduh pada waktu tu juga, pergaduhan tu tidak akan kekal lama...kejap je dah reda semula...sebab takde perasaan terpendam...perasaan marah tu takkan dibawa untuk salah faham seetrusnya dan kemudiannya...

3. dia selalu ingatkan saya, kadang-kadang manusia boleh tahu perasaan seseorang...tapi kalau tak dapat tengok muka, hanya berdasarkan suara, perasaan itu tak jelas untuk diafsirkan...sebab tu, dia selalu mintak kalau saya berubah mood dan rasa tak selesa, saya perlu luahkan apa yang mengganggu fikiran saya...bukan hanya simpan sendiri dan menganggap perasaan tidak selesa itu akan hilang...kerana ia akan muncul semula, pasti!! huhu

jadi, konklusinya, dalam hubungan memerlukan kedua-dua belah pihak untuk meletakkan komitmen dalam membahagiakan dan meneruskan hubungan tu....bukan hanya terletak pada lelaki atau perempuan sahaja...

AdiOS!!!

>>> saranghae!!! (pandai2 lah sedar diri)

135. Selamat Tinggal

Assalamualaikum,

I have one true story that I would like to share and also to always remember for myself because this story can actually be a good lesson for everyone.

This true story, I heard it from my friend. She told me about it and it was really sad. huhu

Well, the story is about 2 people. A guy and a girl.

Let the guy name be Asyraf and the girl name be Amirah.

**************

Asyraf is a normal guy and has a successful life. He already has a girlfriend. However, his mom want him to get marry as soon as possible thus his mom finds a bride for his son. Asyraf is a really good son and because of that he did not avoid from it and accept his mother idea and even accept the girl chosen by his mother. The girl name is Amirah. They do not know each other but they both agree to be in the marriage planned by their parents.

Asyraf said to himself, "Anyway, parents choice should be no problem and I could not disappoint them"

And thus he goes into the marriage that he actually has planned the course of the cruise of the marriage. However, the girl name Amirah is really a good woman and very nice. she is very patient and accepted her husband knowing the fact that her husband does not love her. He is willing and well prepared for the marriage that she is going into.

Asyraf continues his life with a wife and also a girlfriend. He cannot leave his girlfriend and so he always tries to find ways to make his wife to be mad at him. He does not want to be the one disobeying his parents wish and request by divorcing Amirah. So, Asyraf carries out a really cruel plan. He always get home from work late at night and also ignores his wife just for the sake of making his wife to be angry and fedup. He actually hopes that one day Amirah will be the one asking for a divorce.

However, with such nice and patient heart of Amirah, she accepts everything that is done to her. She still always wait for her husband even though until late at night. She never ignores him and tries her best to fulfill and to take care her husband's needs. He never give up in trying to get attention from Asyraf. She never stops praying for her husband to be soft-hearted towards her one day.

Even though Asyraf is a good son, he always leave his prayers because he goes enjoying himself and his wife always be his reminder. However, Asyraf does not like it and he even gets angry at Amirah for always advising him to perform prayer. Whenever Amirah reminds him, he always resorts to using violence due to his anger to her because Asyraf actually feels like Amirah is daring him. But Amirah never stops and never go away from her husband. She stays by her husband’s side even though she knows that her husband does not want it because she knows he needs it.

One day, Amirah was shocked since she got a call from hospital telling her that her husband had an accident during the way back from work. Her husband’s injury is very serious but he manages to survive. However, he still does not fully recover. Amirah is the one who sacrifices her energy and also time to take care of his husband. She always be there without considering the time and never think about herself that also needs rest.

She just wants to be by her husband’s side and do everything for him and fulfill her duty as a wife. But her condition get worsen day by day, her energy is decreasing and she becomes tired and fell down. She was hospitalized due to exhaustion of taking care of her husband. She cannot even get up and she feels very weak. And one day, she actually does gone forever. As what her husband wishes all this while, she finally made it come true by disappearing from her husband’s side and from the world. Yes, Amirah finally pass away, she dies due to tiredness because she has been focusing too much on the health condition of her husband that she actually forgets about her health.

Asyraf was extremely happy and with only little sad feelings because he only sympathizes with the incident of Amirah pass away. When he got better, he comes home and starts tidying up Amirah’s things to be thrown away. During that time, he actually founds something that breaks her heart into pieces but it is late, too late already for regretting. He founds a letter wrote by Amirah as an expression of her feelings that she actually plans to give it to him but she does not have the opportunity. Asyraf starts reading the letter:

Assalamualaikum,

Abang, saya harap abang sihat sebab saya tak tahu keadaan abang. Kita hidup serumah tapi saya tak pernah berpeluang menjaga abang. Saya minta maaf jika kehadiran saya dalam kehidupan abang tidak lain hanya menyusahkan abang dan mengganggu kebahagiaan abang. Tapi saya betul2 harap agar satu hari nanti abang akan dapat menerima saya sebagai isteri abang.

Abang, kita ta pernah bercinta seperti kekasih lain. Tapi dari detik dan saat kita diijabkabulkan , saya menerima abang sebagai imam saya dan saya menyayangi abang sepenuh hati. Saya sentiasa berharap saya dapat menjadi isteri yang dapat menenangkan hati abang dan dapat menghilangkan penat abang.

Abang, saya tak tahu kalau abang sedar atau tidak bahawa saya sering menunggu abang pulang, walau selewat mana pun. Saya teringin sangat abang pulang ke rumah dan memeluk saya, bercerita kepada saya tentang kepenatan abang.

Abang, sepanjang kita hidup bersama, saya tak pernah berpeluang untuk makan dengan abang. Bukan hanya makan bersama, makan semeja pun tidak pernah. Saya benar2 teringin untuk makan dengan abang. Saya selalu berfikir bagaimana agaknya makan bersama dengan suami saya yang saya kasihi.

Abang, saya tahu abang seorang yang baik. Saya harap setelah pemergian saya, abang dapat berubah. Berubah lah menjadi lebih baik. Tunaikanlah sembahyang kerana sembahyang itu tiang agama. Dekatkanlah diri abang kepadanya. Kalau dulu, saya yang menjadi orang yang mengingatkan abang sehingga dipukul. Saya tahu abang marah kerana say amenegur abang tapi itu untuk kebaikan abang.

Selepas ini, walaupun tiada siapa lagi yang akan menegur abang, saya harap abang dapat mengingatkna diri sendiri. Maafkanlah saya kerana tak dapat meneruskan tugas saya sebagai seorang isteri. Maafkan saya kerana tidak lagi dapat menunggu abang pulang. Maafkan saya kerana tidak lagi mampu mengingatkan abang.

Saya hanya ingin abang tahu, bahawa saya sangat menyayangi abang. Semoga walaupun dengan ketiadaan saya, abang masih lagi terpelihara dan berada di bawah rahmat-Nya. Maafkan saya abang dan terima kasih untuk segala-galanya.

Isterimu,
Amirah

Asyraf can only cry. Cry as much as he wants to but nothing can be done. There is nothing that can undo his action. There is nothing that can rewind the play. There is nothing that can go back in time. Only at that moment he starts to realize that he actually loves his wife but he is too ego to admit defeat to his own feelings. Asyraf now loses his wife and indeed a very good wife that really loves him and always stays beside him no matter what happen to him.

*******************

haha, so that is all about the story. well, I recreated the story in my own way and I know is is boring since I am not good at writing. my writing sucks! huhu. please comment if you want to.

so, the moral of the story, erm, think of it yourself. everyone has free opinion on the story... :)

Adios!!!

132. Hakikat itu benar

assalamualaikum, 

I have been busy since I started my new semester...it was hectic...everything need to be done and everyone is pacing irregularly fast...sometimes, it feels like how can people have enough time with only 24/7...it is too short!

well, doom...haha...maybe no one else feels like that...its only me...why? because I am lazy, stubborn...and also sgt2 suke procastinate...when dateline is near, mula lah jadik lipas kudung...but I think that is me...I love to work last minutes because I think I will be more focus and concentrate....

however, despite my busyness, I was down for about 3 days including today...well, the reason is because my own stupidity...feeling happy with love but at one point, the love hunt you down to your deepest despair...

love that I meant is love for everything....not for couple only, which means couple is still included, but with other loves...hehehe

what I wanna say is that, sometimes I am a bit confused...

is this feeling what we called love? or is it destiny? or is it a mistake? 

a mistake that is done when I carelessly let my heart fall for someone, loves someone so deep, 

and blinded by the love...

well, I was disappointed with everyone that I love...

every single person that I love...

sometimes it feels like the world is too cruel, the people in it are cruel...

but how come, I also feel that fate is cruel...

I know its wrong but that is just a feeling...

what I face this week was a very expected outcome that would happen...

I admit it was my mistake, no other person is involved...

however, what hurts me most is that the fact, the reality that is being repeated again and again at my ears to hear it...for my head to digest it...and for my brain to finally able to memorise it...that is the real pain...

how I feel like shouting to everyone 

"Yes I know and what the hell are you doing by repeating the fact again and again? I knew it already..."

yes, 

I know the fact that I am stupid for believing an empty dream

I know all he tells are lies...

I know there will never be end

I know what I did was wrong

I know the feelings is not eternal...

I know the punishment is cruel...

I know my study is important

I know that I am bound to repay everyone kindness...

I know it!!!!

I just knew it and no one can ever imagine how I felt...

but for once, did you all really need to spur all the truth right to my face for me to hear it? for me to see it? and for me to always realise it?

its unbearable...really...

just like during SPM, I was left, alone...

it feels like I was pushed down a really high cliff and all I got was just myself...

no one ever said anything...so, I can live...

because, I am prepared...I know that day will come one day...

sooner or later it will come...he will leave...

and when it happens, I accepted it...

because eventhough I know it was a mistake from beginning, 

I am the one who choose and decide for it...

I accept is as fact...even with regret...

although no one told me the fact, 

deep in my heart I always believe the fact of him, leaving...

so, just keep the fact to yourself...

just like when someone is sick and dying...

do you think she will like it if you tell her so many times that she is dying???

do you think she is glad and happy enough that someone is actually reminding her that she wont live long???

no, she will not like it...and she will never ask...

but deep inside her heart, 

she knows, she understand and she is preparing herself

to accept that she is dying...

sometimes, there are facts that even though it is not told, 

people know...or at least the heart knows...

so, just let it be...let the heart decide...you dont have to be like an alarm clock that always ring to remind someone that her time has come or is coming nearer or reminding how will it end...

it already hurts so much to prepare myself for the possibility...

but it hurts more when everyone is making me realise that I am still not ready for the possibility...